rambling over friends and loyalty

Do you ever get those people who know you for just a few short months and think they know all about what you are as a person? I get that all the time, i'm not good with first impressions, i never really have been. I guess that comes from being a loaner growing up, socially awkward if you will, for those that think they know me this is probably a head scratcher for them... "but you're so open to meeting people and constantly speak your mind!" ...well yes and no, i speak my mind when i know someone or when someone utters complete and utter bullcrap, for the most part i just try to keep to myself. I would honestly be perfectly content with staying home all day and just reading a book or listening to music and drinking a beer. I wouldn't say i'm a loaner much anymore but i still prefer my own company sometimes, i made a few good friends that made me realize how great life is when you have someone to experience it with all the time, whether it's good or bad.

When it comes to personal relationships i usually just wing it, i have no idea what i'm supposed to do as a friend of someone let alone being in a close relationship as a boyfriend with somebody. I usually try to be completely honest, which i admit has backfired for me on several occasions, most recently telling the girl that i don't give a damn what she does because "you're a grown woman"... which you might think wouldn't be so harmless of a thing to say but most women are pretty sensitive about the opinions of their significant others, that much i know but when push comes to shove i always revert back to my most simplest line of thought.

I've made and lost more friends than i can count, some i wish i had never let go and some i wish i had never met, but i wouldn't trade any of my experiences with them for the world. Our life experiences are what shape us, make us the raw human beings that we are. I can honestly say out of all my friends (not including family) i have two people in my life that i trust implicitly. There's always that regret of losing a friend though; one of my best college friends just lost his best friend recently this year, they had known each other their whole lives and it all came apart because of the lies of a former lover, they're both to stubborn to work things out. I can't say i've lost a friend to similar circumstances but i've lost many because i was hard headed or didn't make an effort.

So i guess the point of this blog, the real meat and bones of it is to say that i haven't been the best friend during the best of times but i haven't been the worst friend during the worst of times, i'm simply a guy who doesn't know how to be sociable. But i am who i am...and here's what i am for those who haven't gotten the opportunity to know what i'm about-

#1- I'm fiercely loyal to my closest friends, but it's hard to get my trust if you've burned me once.
#2- I can be extremely hot headed at times if i feel myself or family have been wronged in any way. I've worked on controlling my temper over the last few years but i think i've mellowed out a lot, thanks to my dad teaching me how to put life in perspective better.
#3- I'm the last hold out among my closest friends and family, i'm the last one to get married/have kids...etc... and i doubt it will be any time soon before i allow myself to let anyone have a part of my life, it's not selfish it's just not what i want right now.
#4- If you are currently a friend of mine, all i want is your company to enjoy, whether it's having a few beers or relaxing outside, i'm the kind of person who enjoys the simple things, i'm not looking to use you towards getting some other means, your my friend and that's enough for me.
#5- I hold no hatred or grudges to anyone i've lost as a friend or anyone who's wronged me, i just don't want anything to do with them anymore. You can always tell if it's someone i do not like because i just wont initiate and contact with them whatsoever, it's just who i am, leave me alone.


I'm a simple guy with simple needs, this is the best way i could describe myself, if you made it this far you must be insane or a close friend, either way....THANK YOU for everything up to this point.