Do you ever get those people who know you for just a few short months and think they know all about what you are as a person? I get that all the time, i'm not good with first impressions, i never really have been. I guess that comes from being a loaner growing up, socially awkward if you will, for those that think they know me this is probably a head scratcher for them... "but you're so open to meeting people and constantly speak your mind!" ...well yes and no, i speak my mind when i know someone or when someone utters complete and utter bullcrap, for the most part i just try to keep to myself. I would honestly be perfectly content with staying home all day and just reading a book or listening to music and drinking a beer. I wouldn't say i'm a loaner much anymore but i still prefer my own company sometimes, i made a few good friends that made me realize how great life is when you have someone to experience it with all the time, whether it's good or bad.
When it comes to personal relationships i usually just wing it, i have no idea what i'm supposed to do as a friend of someone let alone being in a close relationship as a boyfriend with somebody. I usually try to be completely honest, which i admit has backfired for me on several occasions, most recently telling the girl that i don't give a damn what she does because "you're a grown woman"... which you might think wouldn't be so harmless of a thing to say but most women are pretty sensitive about the opinions of their significant others, that much i know but when push comes to shove i always revert back to my most simplest line of thought.
I've made and lost more friends than i can count, some i wish i had never let go and some i wish i had never met, but i wouldn't trade any of my experiences with them for the world. Our life experiences are what shape us, make us the raw human beings that we are. I can honestly say out of all my friends (not including family) i have two people in my life that i trust implicitly. There's always that regret of losing a friend though; one of my best college friends just lost his best friend recently this year, they had known each other their whole lives and it all came apart because of the lies of a former lover, they're both to stubborn to work things out. I can't say i've lost a friend to similar circumstances but i've lost many because i was hard headed or didn't make an effort.
So i guess the point of this blog, the real meat and bones of it is to say that i haven't been the best friend during the best of times but i haven't been the worst friend during the worst of times, i'm simply a guy who doesn't know how to be sociable. But i am who i am...and here's what i am for those who haven't gotten the opportunity to know what i'm about-
#1- I'm fiercely loyal to my closest friends, but it's hard to get my trust if you've burned me once.
#2- I can be extremely hot headed at times if i feel myself or family have been wronged in any way. I've worked on controlling my temper over the last few years but i think i've mellowed out a lot, thanks to my dad teaching me how to put life in perspective better.
#3- I'm the last hold out among my closest friends and family, i'm the last one to get married/have kids...etc... and i doubt it will be any time soon before i allow myself to let anyone have a part of my life, it's not selfish it's just not what i want right now.
#4- If you are currently a friend of mine, all i want is your company to enjoy, whether it's having a few beers or relaxing outside, i'm the kind of person who enjoys the simple things, i'm not looking to use you towards getting some other means, your my friend and that's enough for me.
#5- I hold no hatred or grudges to anyone i've lost as a friend or anyone who's wronged me, i just don't want anything to do with them anymore. You can always tell if it's someone i do not like because i just wont initiate and contact with them whatsoever, it's just who i am, leave me alone.
I'm a simple guy with simple needs, this is the best way i could describe myself, if you made it this far you must be insane or a close friend, either way....THANK YOU for everything up to this point.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thinking of her
When things in your past come back to you it makes you think of other things from that same time, so when I start to think of what was 5 years ago it takes me back to a person who was very important and influential in my life. Most of my friends never knew her, and no one in my family did. However the impact she had on my life influenced the decisions that led me to where I am, and whether good or bad, they made me who I am. I'll never get back the conversations we would have for hours on end, I've never been with someone who could keep me talking ALL night long and was a genuine friend and companion like that.
She died of breast cancer 5 years ago and my heart was shattered, I never even told my closest friends or family, I always played it off in my head as a small point in my life that I would learn to forget. And I almost did, but that was wrong, because I cared for her more than any one person i've ever cared for in my life, and it brings me to tears knowing that she'll never be around to make me smile when i've had a bad day or comfort me when something goes wrong. I'll never have those conversations where we would be talking around 6 pm and i would look up and see it was 3am in the morning.
I know i'll never get her back but I can't get her out of my head now, so i'm writing, i'm hoping that I can at least leave some memory of her here so I don't feel the guilt of trying to pretend like she wasn't a part of my life. I probably should have done this years ago. No one understood me like she did and maybe that's why I have such a hard time with relationships and stay away from them, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get past it. But I will try and I will try to be the person she saw in me and be the person she wanted me to be.
I'm moving on now, better late than never. RIP
(Girl on the left)
She died of breast cancer 5 years ago and my heart was shattered, I never even told my closest friends or family, I always played it off in my head as a small point in my life that I would learn to forget. And I almost did, but that was wrong, because I cared for her more than any one person i've ever cared for in my life, and it brings me to tears knowing that she'll never be around to make me smile when i've had a bad day or comfort me when something goes wrong. I'll never have those conversations where we would be talking around 6 pm and i would look up and see it was 3am in the morning.
I know i'll never get her back but I can't get her out of my head now, so i'm writing, i'm hoping that I can at least leave some memory of her here so I don't feel the guilt of trying to pretend like she wasn't a part of my life. I probably should have done this years ago. No one understood me like she did and maybe that's why I have such a hard time with relationships and stay away from them, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get past it. But I will try and I will try to be the person she saw in me and be the person she wanted me to be.
I'm moving on now, better late than never. RIP
(Girl on the left)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
January 2011- Turning points
The new year rang in just like every other, a big ball dropped and i was tipsy. I imagine 2012 will be exactly the same, even though were all supposed to die. There's been a problem though, for the last two years i've been living with cancerous thoughts of regret in my head. I haven't been myself for a while, and i want to get back to being the easy going smart ass i used to be.
I've been living with regret because of the pasts failed decisions that led me down a road of unemployment, lost friends and a renewed drinking problem. It's getting to the point where i have started lashing out at people for trivial and pointless things.
The way i see it, i need to make this a turning point in my life, stop worrying about the past and start thinking about the future. I've already created a five year plan but it's time to really put it into action. On top of that i need to let go of everything that's been troubling me, there's nothing i can do to change it so it's pointless to keep dwelling on it like this. I have a great paying job and some of the best friends and family in the world.
I've learned a lot, some of the past problems were caused by my arrogance, i wont let that happen again. Someone jokingly told me the other day to "be my own man" but it got me thinking A LOT about life. I'm going to be a better person, i wish i could be more like my father but he's a better person than i'll ever be, so i'll have to be content with who i can be.
Life is complicated but i'm figuring it out. Who needs a shrink when you can talk things out on your own right? I hope this day is a turning point for me going forward, i dont see why it shouldn't be.
Josh
I've been living with regret because of the pasts failed decisions that led me down a road of unemployment, lost friends and a renewed drinking problem. It's getting to the point where i have started lashing out at people for trivial and pointless things.
The way i see it, i need to make this a turning point in my life, stop worrying about the past and start thinking about the future. I've already created a five year plan but it's time to really put it into action. On top of that i need to let go of everything that's been troubling me, there's nothing i can do to change it so it's pointless to keep dwelling on it like this. I have a great paying job and some of the best friends and family in the world.
I've learned a lot, some of the past problems were caused by my arrogance, i wont let that happen again. Someone jokingly told me the other day to "be my own man" but it got me thinking A LOT about life. I'm going to be a better person, i wish i could be more like my father but he's a better person than i'll ever be, so i'll have to be content with who i can be.
Life is complicated but i'm figuring it out. Who needs a shrink when you can talk things out on your own right? I hope this day is a turning point for me going forward, i dont see why it shouldn't be.
Josh
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Welcome back me
It was a busy summer, working crazy and weird hours throughout the week and then working the weekends a lot. It didn't leave me much time to do anything, I didn't go on any trips and I didn't have time to write in my precious blog...right...
Anyway, as you can imagine there's been a lot that's pissed me off or influenced my mind a lot lately and you'll probably hear about it. If I get this job with Clifford Jacobs forging working 3pm-11pm I might not have any time to write so i'll make the most of it while I can. In the meantime I also got my Insurance license for Illinois but I didn't realize how hard it was to get started in Insurance, not only are businesses hard to get a meeting with, even your friends and family balk at you even trying to give them advice, that stigma about insurance salesman is so true.
I have a new niece Ava, which is pretty exciting and takes even less pressure off of me to make a grand baby, of course the pressure is still there to carry on the Jacobson name but that can wait.
Blah blah blah this blog is boring Josh, get on to something exciting...well other than kicking ass like i normally do there's not a whole lot else to say you dont already know, the Packers are going to win the superbowl, the Illini Football team is going to a bowl game this year and our basketball team's gonna win a national championship!
And one last thing, Team JJ is 4-0 in this years fantasy football league so far, and i'm looking to take the title...because i'm awesome.
p.s.- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HEIDI AND JEREMY!
Anyway, as you can imagine there's been a lot that's pissed me off or influenced my mind a lot lately and you'll probably hear about it. If I get this job with Clifford Jacobs forging working 3pm-11pm I might not have any time to write so i'll make the most of it while I can. In the meantime I also got my Insurance license for Illinois but I didn't realize how hard it was to get started in Insurance, not only are businesses hard to get a meeting with, even your friends and family balk at you even trying to give them advice, that stigma about insurance salesman is so true.
I have a new niece Ava, which is pretty exciting and takes even less pressure off of me to make a grand baby, of course the pressure is still there to carry on the Jacobson name but that can wait.
Blah blah blah this blog is boring Josh, get on to something exciting...well other than kicking ass like i normally do there's not a whole lot else to say you dont already know, the Packers are going to win the superbowl, the Illini Football team is going to a bowl game this year and our basketball team's gonna win a national championship!
And one last thing, Team JJ is 4-0 in this years fantasy football league so far, and i'm looking to take the title...because i'm awesome.
p.s.- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HEIDI AND JEREMY!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A Super Sonic thought!
I have channeled my inner Nostradamus and have selected events to foretelling the return of the Seattle Super Sonics basketball team to Washington!
The signs will be as follows!
1) Ken Griffey JR finally retires from baseball and takes up permanent residence in the Seattle area, while here he will take a job as an executive with Nike.
2) Nike executives secretly put one of their own people up for mayor of Seattle, this man will win the election, the citizens will be somewhat oblivious to what's going on.
3) Phil Knight uses his vast resources to build a new 300 million dollar stadium in downtown Seattle claiming for it to be a "Nike athletes training center."
4) Shawn Kemp, Ken Griffey JR and Gary Payton join forces in a coalition for the betterment of Seattle athletics fans lives. Through a fund raising project among the state of Washington and with state legislature funding they are able to raise 140 million dollars, the people by now see what's going on and start to take interest in revitalizing an NBA franchise.
5) Ken Griffey JR subsequently bitch slaps David Stern and the leader of the group called "Citizens for more Important things" Chris Van Dyke. Shockwave felt all over the country and people bow to the greatness that is "The Kid."
6) Upon completion of the new stadium, Nike uses the 140 million dollars that was raised and announces the return of one of the oldest NBA franchises. The money is used to hire a top notch coach and 2 max salary studs who will lead the team to great heights (just not past the Bulls). Ken Griffey JR, Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton have statues erected of them in downtown Seattle, and the people see them as heroes.
This will probably happen, i'm somewhat of a prognosticating genius, and if it doesn't...oh well it's just Seattle.
Stay tuned next week when i discuss the finer points of vehicle maintenance, because i'm tired of people not knowing!
The signs will be as follows!
1) Ken Griffey JR finally retires from baseball and takes up permanent residence in the Seattle area, while here he will take a job as an executive with Nike.
2) Nike executives secretly put one of their own people up for mayor of Seattle, this man will win the election, the citizens will be somewhat oblivious to what's going on.
3) Phil Knight uses his vast resources to build a new 300 million dollar stadium in downtown Seattle claiming for it to be a "Nike athletes training center."
4) Shawn Kemp, Ken Griffey JR and Gary Payton join forces in a coalition for the betterment of Seattle athletics fans lives. Through a fund raising project among the state of Washington and with state legislature funding they are able to raise 140 million dollars, the people by now see what's going on and start to take interest in revitalizing an NBA franchise.
5) Ken Griffey JR subsequently bitch slaps David Stern and the leader of the group called "Citizens for more Important things" Chris Van Dyke. Shockwave felt all over the country and people bow to the greatness that is "The Kid."
6) Upon completion of the new stadium, Nike uses the 140 million dollars that was raised and announces the return of one of the oldest NBA franchises. The money is used to hire a top notch coach and 2 max salary studs who will lead the team to great heights (just not past the Bulls). Ken Griffey JR, Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton have statues erected of them in downtown Seattle, and the people see them as heroes.
This will probably happen, i'm somewhat of a prognosticating genius, and if it doesn't...oh well it's just Seattle.
Stay tuned next week when i discuss the finer points of vehicle maintenance, because i'm tired of people not knowing!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
10 Worst Sports Announcers (alive)...seriously
There are some voices in sports that make me cringe and angry just to hear them. I seriously wish my opinion meant something so I could get these pathetic people off of tv. For now i'll just make my top 10 list. Plus i'm also angry from watching tonights Illinois game so it's just fueling my fire.
10. Billy Packer (pretty much the anti Illini, if you're from Champaign you hate this guy)
9. Troy Aikman (we get it, you know the game...that doesn't mean you get to act like a douche bag on the air)
8. Chris Berman (The Swami...yeah you had your hay day when espn was new...please retire...or just go somewhere...)
7. Clark Kellog (nothing to say but LOL)
6. Doris Burke (this dyke does college basketball sometimes...send her and whoever thought it would be a great idea to put her on air to an island somewhere)
5. Lou Holtz (occasionally does college football but never succeeds at color commentary...and if i see another Dr Lou segment i might go insane)
4. Erin Andrews (I know she's just a sideline reporter, but i'm very thankful that she hasn't moved up to something better like a color commentator, she's awful in every sense of the word Journalism...complete garbage)
3. Phil Simms (This guy had a great arm as a QB...but he has shit for brains and he doesn't know when to shut up, we really dont care about your opinion mr simms..)
2. Chris Collinsworth (he should get biggest douche bag on TV award with Kanye, and the he should be taken behind a woodshed and shot)
1. Joe Buck (2005 ALCS, the only thing i kept hearing during that great series that put to tears to my eyes was Joe Buck talking about how the White Sox didn't deserve to be there, they went 11-1 in that postseason and won the world series you dipshit...he hasn't gotten any better at his job since and the fact i keep seeing him spew his garbage in major sporting events makes me hate him even more every time i see him... WORST SPORTS ANNOUNCER OF ALL TIME!)
If everyone called a game like Bill Raftery sports would be so much better to watch.
10. Billy Packer (pretty much the anti Illini, if you're from Champaign you hate this guy)
9. Troy Aikman (we get it, you know the game...that doesn't mean you get to act like a douche bag on the air)
8. Chris Berman (The Swami...yeah you had your hay day when espn was new...please retire...or just go somewhere...)
7. Clark Kellog (nothing to say but LOL)
6. Doris Burke (this dyke does college basketball sometimes...send her and whoever thought it would be a great idea to put her on air to an island somewhere)
5. Lou Holtz (occasionally does college football but never succeeds at color commentary...and if i see another Dr Lou segment i might go insane)
4. Erin Andrews (I know she's just a sideline reporter, but i'm very thankful that she hasn't moved up to something better like a color commentator, she's awful in every sense of the word Journalism...complete garbage)
3. Phil Simms (This guy had a great arm as a QB...but he has shit for brains and he doesn't know when to shut up, we really dont care about your opinion mr simms..)
2. Chris Collinsworth (he should get biggest douche bag on TV award with Kanye, and the he should be taken behind a woodshed and shot)
1. Joe Buck (2005 ALCS, the only thing i kept hearing during that great series that put to tears to my eyes was Joe Buck talking about how the White Sox didn't deserve to be there, they went 11-1 in that postseason and won the world series you dipshit...he hasn't gotten any better at his job since and the fact i keep seeing him spew his garbage in major sporting events makes me hate him even more every time i see him... WORST SPORTS ANNOUNCER OF ALL TIME!)
If everyone called a game like Bill Raftery sports would be so much better to watch.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Das ist mein team!!!
So I almost never watch the Olympics, ever. It's not that I find them boring I just find them pointless. No one plays for national pride anymore they play for fame and cash, and some even get endorsements. So I thought, this is only the case in the major sports and huge countries. That's when I had a brainstorm! I'm gonna watch the Olympics and throw my support behind a random tiny country!
My selection process was pretty simple, get a list of the small countries participating and draw a name out of a hat. Ingenious right? So who was the lucky winner of my undying and fanatical support? The great country of Liechtenstein! Population 32,000... Small enough to be an underdog but I was a little concerned because technically they're German speaking people, how would they possibly understand me? It's ok though because they're my team now and it's time to do some research. Crap...the last time they won ANYTHING in the winter Olympics was in 1980 and 1984... Well lets just see what events they're competing in shall we? Alpine Skiing and Bobsleigh...that's it? Ok Bobsleigh it is then, my support will be with Lichtenstein bobsleigher Jürgen Berginz and his crazy team of...well they're going down a mountain in a metal sled at breakneck speeds... winter olympics suck...
So my country is picked and my team is set, the game is on! I hope to see this flag http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flag_of_Liechtenstein.svg flying proudly when the dust settles!
I will update this thread after the olympics so I can come back and gloat on the greatness that was Lichtenstein!
Update: So they sucked, but that won't deter me from future predictions or support!
My selection process was pretty simple, get a list of the small countries participating and draw a name out of a hat. Ingenious right? So who was the lucky winner of my undying and fanatical support? The great country of Liechtenstein! Population 32,000... Small enough to be an underdog but I was a little concerned because technically they're German speaking people, how would they possibly understand me? It's ok though because they're my team now and it's time to do some research. Crap...the last time they won ANYTHING in the winter Olympics was in 1980 and 1984... Well lets just see what events they're competing in shall we? Alpine Skiing and Bobsleigh...that's it? Ok Bobsleigh it is then, my support will be with Lichtenstein bobsleigher Jürgen Berginz and his crazy team of...well they're going down a mountain in a metal sled at breakneck speeds... winter olympics suck...
So my country is picked and my team is set, the game is on! I hope to see this flag http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flag_of_Liechtenstein.svg flying proudly when the dust settles!
I will update this thread after the olympics so I can come back and gloat on the greatness that was Lichtenstein!
Update: So they sucked, but that won't deter me from future predictions or support!
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